and another . . .

One day, a little girl asked her mom if she could take a shower with her mom. Her mom said yes but only if she didn't look up or down. In the shower, the girl looked up, then she looked down and asked, "What are those things?"

Her mom replied, "These are my headlights and that is my garden."
The next day, the girl asked her dad if she could take a shower with him and he said ok only if she didn't look down. In the shower, she looked down."Whats that, dad?"
He answered,"That is my snake."
The next night, the little girl asked if she could sleep in bed with them. Her parents said ok only if she didn't look under the covers.
As usuall, she looked under the covers and shouted, "Mom! Mom! Daddy's snake is in your garden!

and another . . .

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor.
The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his dick and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.
And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.
Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.
The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?"
To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the little bastard!

and another . . .

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out ascope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot.

and another . . .

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course.
They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out on the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world.

and another . . .

A couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night.
Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before.
She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?"
He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry."
"And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily.
He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it

and another . . .

Once there was a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always provoked an embarrassing reaction. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this."
So he gave up beans. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he had several helpings.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
The blindfolded him, sat him at the table and made him promise not to peek. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him promise not to peek and went to the phone. While she was gone, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was loud and ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. While keeping an ear tuned in on the wife and staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for talking so long she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE"!!
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

and another . . .

A man walks into a bar, and orders from the bartender, "Shots of Yukon Jack, and keep them coming!"
About 10 minutes later the man has had 10 shots, and says to the bartender, "Enough!" The bartender stops him and asks, "Why are you drinking so much?" The man replies, "First blowjob!"
"Well then," the bartender says, "have one on the house!" "No," the man says, "if the first 10 don't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will!

and another . . .

A little boy was walking down the street and he found a condom, which he thought was a "twinkie" He picked it up. A second or two later a teenage boy ran up to him and said,"I'll give ya a buck for that thang in your hand!"
The little boy quickly obliged. When he got home he asked his mom to take him to the store because he had money. His mom asked him where he got the money.
He said: "I found a twinkie and sold it to a boy, but I got the best of the deal. I had already sucked the cream filling out of it!

and another . . .

A man walks into a diner and orders a hamburger. As he waits for his food, he notices the cook is flattening the raw patties by placing them under his armpits and squeezing.
He calls the manager over and points out what the cook is doing. The manager replies, "Oh, that's nothing. You ought to see how he prepares the donuts!"

and another . . .

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly ... Peter Peter, something or other..

and another . . .

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says,"The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!

and another . . .

There are these two old ladies sitting on a bench together and they are both smoking cigarettes. One of the old ladies takes out a condom and puts it on her cigarette. The other old lady asks her why the hell she did that.
The old lady says that it's supposed to be a safer way to smoke. So then the next day the other old lady goes to a drug store and asks the clerk for a condom. The clerk then asks her what color and she says it doesn't matter.
Then the clerk asks her what size condom and she says, "One to fit a camel.

and another . . .

A lonely woman is looking for an unusual pet. The pet store owner brings her a frog and says, "This frog has been trained to perform cunnilingus. Just $500.00!"
The woman buys the frog, takes it home, lies on the floor with her legs open. The frog does nothing. The woman angrily returns to the pet store and complains about the frog's non-performance.
"Show me what you did," says the pet store owner. So the woman lies on the floor with her legs open. The frog just sits there.
The pet store owner moves over to the woman, puts his face between her legs, and yells to the frog, "All right, you little bastard, this is the last time I am showing you!

and another . . .

A man and a woman are married. One day the husband, thinking he's being funny, grabs his wife's boobs as she's getting into the shower and says to her, "You know, if these were firm, you wouldn't need a bra!" and the wife is really angry; it was a rude thing to say.
The next day, as she's getting out of the shower, he grabs her ass and he says, "You know, if this was firm, you wouldn't need a girdle!" Now the wife is really pissed and she's plotting her revenge.
So the next day, as her husband is getting out of the shower, she grabs his dick and says, "You know, if this was firm I wouldn't need your brother!

and another . . .

A grumpy old man comes home after a long day at work, sits on his couch and opens a beer. Then he hears a knock on the door. Pissed that he has to get up, he goes to the door and opens it.
He looks around, doesn't see anyone and starts to close the door, when he notices a snail sitting on his doormat. He bends over and picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. He closes the door and goes back to the couch to tend to his beer.
An entire year passes, the old man is once again sitting on his couch enjoying his after work beverage when he hears a knock on the door. He angrily gets up and goes to answer the door.
He opens up the door and doesn't see a soul in sight. Then, as he starts to close his door, he notices a snail on his doormat. The snail looks up and says, "Hey, what the hell did you do that for!"

and another . . .

There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike.
The other priest asked where his bike was. The other priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!" The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the ten commandments, and when you get to "Thou Shall Not Steal" someone will confes to the crime."
The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?," the one priest said.
The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultry, I seemed to remember where I had left it

and another . . .

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. What's politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me management. Your mother is the admistrator of the money, so we'll call her government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother we'll call the future. Do you understand?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.
The next morning the son says: "Dad, now I think I understand politics."
Father: "That's great son, explain it to me in your own words!"
Son: "Well, Dad, while management is screwing the working class the government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit!"

and another . . .

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY): "I'm sorry, Father, but that's what the fish is called: -- a sonofabitch."
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops the Bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand! That's what the fish is called and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Hmmm, you know I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and takes it to the head mother.
Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what langauge!"
Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what this fish is called, asonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch." Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch." Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch."
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off his hat, leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the table and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright!

and another . . .

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250 000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the German study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust the British or German studies.
So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around $75, the Canadian study was complete, and came to the conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead

and another . . .

A man walks into a bar and sees a donkey standing beside a bar with a jar of coins on top. He asks the barman what it was all about. The barman says, "If you put a dollar in the jar and if you can make the donkey laugh, you get to keep all the coins in the jar."
The man agrees and puts a dollar in the jar. He takes the donkey outside and when he brings him back, the donkey is laughing his head off.
"Fine," says the barman, "the money is yours."
A week later the same man walks into the bar to see another jar of coins on the bar. "What's all this about?" he asks the barman.
"Well," says the barman, "since the last time you were here, the donkey has not stopped laughing, so if you can get the donkey to stop laughing, the money in the jar is yours."
So the man takes the donkey outside and when he brings him back the donkey is crying. "Fine," says the barman, "but what did you do?"
"Well," says the man, "the first time I took the donkey outside, I told him that I had a bigger dick than he had, and he burst out laughing. The second time I took him outside, I showed him !

and another . . .

There was a little boy walking one day and he walked by this house. On the front porch of the house was an old man. The man says to the boy, "Where are you going with that chicken wire?"
The boy says, " To catch chickens!"
The man says, "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
After a couple of hours the boy returns with a dozen chickens on the wire. The man was amazed and the asked the boy for his secret. He did not reveal it. The next day, the same boy walked by the same man but now with duct tape.
"Where you going with duct tape, boy?"
"To catch ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
"Watch!" says the boy. A few hours later, he returns with ducks lined along the tape. Again the old man was amazed and really wanted the secret. The next day after, the boy walks by again.
The old man says, " Where you going with that stick?"
The boy says, " This ain't no stick, this here is a pussy willow."
The old man says, "Wait here so I can grab my hat and I'll be right with ya!

and another . . .

This Army General is going through inspecting the barracks. He finds that they are a messy, clothes and towels and guns everywhere. He walks out the back door to see a Camel right before his eyes. He tells the men that the barracks must be clean and the Camel must be gone and they have two days to do it.
He comes back two days later and everything is spotless but the Camel is still there. He is as pissed as you can get. To top it all off, later that day he finds that he is being replaced and will have to be demoted. Now he is with the men that he was pissed at and is bored that there are no women for sex. He asks the men what they did for their sexual needs. They said they use the camel.
A moment later the old General gets up and starts fucking tha camel hard up the ass. He says, "That was real good. I'll have to try it again later." The men say, "We have never seen it done like that. We only use the camel to ride to the local whorehouse."

and another . . .

There is a dad and it's his son's first day at kintergarden. Before they go, the dad has a talk with his son. "Son, you need to understand how to talk like an adult. When you want water say, 'I want water, not I want wawa.' If you're tired say, 'I want a nap, not I want nappy', etc."
The boy goes to school but at noon the dad gets a call from the school. "Mr. Lakes, your son is using unappropriate language for his grade. You'll need to come and pick him up." "What did he say," Mr. Lakes asked. "Well, when the teacher asked him what he wanted to read, he said Winnie the Shit!

and another . . .

A 60-year-old man walked into a drugstore and asked the girl at the checkout, "Do you have condoms here?"
"Sure. What size are you?," she said, to which he responded, "I'm not really sure."
"Well, just let me check," she said, walking around the counter. She unzipped his pants, took a feel and then picked up the microphone.
"Extra-large condoms to checkout." A stockboy brought the condoms and the man paid and left. A while later, a 30-year-old man walked up to the checkout. "Do you sell condoms here?" he asked.
"Sure, but size do you need?," she said, to which he said, "Well, I don't know." "Well, just let me check." She unzipped his pants, took a couple of tugs and then picked up the microphone, "Large condoms to the checkout." The stockboy brought the condoms, the man paid and left.
Later, a 16-year-old came into the store. "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?" he asked the girl at the checkout. "Yep," she said, "what size do you need?" "I don't know," he replied.
She unzipped his zipper for a feel and then picked up the microphone."Cleanup at the checkout, please. Cleanup at the checkout

and another . . .

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the two than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"
The priest said, "well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: " dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do 'sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.

and another . . .

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!

and another . . .

She was so blonde:

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate!"

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind!

* she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"!

* she thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday!

* she sent me a fax with a stamp on it!

* she tried to drown a fish!

* she thought a quarterback was a refund!

* she tripped over a cordless phone!

* she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!

* at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius"!

* when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved

and another . . .

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand

and another . . .

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer

and another . . .